Sonora — Contributing Blogger — MRC (ManhoodRaceCulture)

* In an effort to contextualize this discussion, please click on this link as it offers illumination to this discussion.

Being a single black female in today’s dating world is beyond exacerbating. Looking for love from a Black man has made some women feel as if they have to compromise their standards; while some are dismissive of the subject all together. . After reading Dr. Jones’ article, “Where Are All the Good Black Men At”, regarding “self-centered narcissistic” single, educated, professional, career driven, Black women; I was troubled by the depiction of Black women. Although the article sparked debate, one question remained in focus: “what do educated, professional, career driven Black women want?”

Within my inner circle of women; we all agreed that we want the same thing from a man. We are seeking companionship and union with a honest man who clearly articulates his intentions and desires within this relationship. As a professional, educated, black woman, I recognize that we have faults; after all, strong as we are, we are human. Many of us have invested in our own mental and physical well-being by participating in self-improvement; counseling, gym memberships, in healing and “whole-ness” church ministries and seminars, to find our center and balance within our femininity. We continually review and define our standards; meaning, the uncompromising components of quality relationships that we apply while seeking a mate. Shallow considerations of clothing labels or vehicle type, as mentioned in Dr. Jones’ commentary, receive scant attention when compared to considerations character and spiritual consciousness. So if we are so ready for love, where is he? Why is love hiding from us?

Out of necessity of my singleness, I have had to learn a certain level independence in managing my home, family and my finances. I learned to do such things to avoid the expectation of monetary gain or sexual escapades that flow from Black men. Far too often it appears that Black men, when dealing with Black women, are allergic to chivalry.

One of the fundamental problems that I have with the aforementioned post is that there appears to be a sub-discourse that mistakes Black women’s ability to achieve a task with their desire to do it alone. The cartoon character Bob the Builder’s mantra of “Can we build it? Yes we can!” is a truism that Black women all too often have had to integrate within their lives out of necessity. However, I, along with the vast majority of other Black women, would love the opportunity to responsibly relinquish some of our required responsibilities. I have learned to incorporate traditional “male chores” into my routine without resentment. Unfortunately, my self-reliance/independence (again, out of necessity), is received by Black men as a sign that I, and Black women like me, neither need nor desire their presence. I have wearied of the request from Black Men for me to “make room” for them in my life. When the truth is quite the contrary, Black women need the masculinity of Black men to balance our own femininity.

The alluded to imbalance between single Black men and women has multiple consequences for the community. Black women balance their situation so expertly that outsiders fail to recognize the imbalance. However, we are managing more than we can reasonably bear leaving Black women peerlessly perched on a ledge where one missed or miscalculated stressor would result in disaster. The ripples from our imbalance reverberate from us and throughout the community to those what rely upon us for their entire existence. And black men wonder why we are so intense?

Yet, in dating and mating we continue to complain that we are caught in the “game” of which we are frustrated. Has our escalated intensity resulted in relaxed standards to the extent that we have cultivated a group of black men who are manipulative, spoiled and irresponsible in relationships? Is it that there is not an ample supply of “Good Black Men” to love or, have Black men rejected the honor of loving Black women freely, patiently and honestly?

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