Foolish Floyd’s Last Days at the Republican National Convention

I am certain that you were wondering what happened to Floyd, I was wondering the same thing. After our last communication after the initial night of the Republican National Convention, I was underBert Williams 4 the impression that Floyd would be exiting the entire scene out of disgust. Unfortunately, he neither contacted me again. For the past few days, Floyd has been the Black equivalent of “Where’s Waldo?

In the middle of wondering what happened to Floyd, the phone rang, and on the other end was your favorite contrarian ‘Foolish’ Floyd.

Bruh, can you pick me up from Hobby Airport at 3:00?

Not a problem. Man, where have you been? I ain’t heard from you in several days. What’s up?

After a dramatic pause and an incredible sigh, Floyd began to speak with what can only be termed incredible tension in his voice.

Let me first say, if I ever agree to take rich white folk money again, shoot me in my Goddamned head. These Republicans ain’t lying when they say that you have to earn your money. I came out here believing that all I had to do was attend the convention. Apparently, their definition of ‘attend’ and mine are totally different.

Now you can’t tell me that you thought that those ‘good white folk’, as you called them, were going to just give you a free trip did you? You should have known that there was some type of ‘catch’ to it.

Unlike you, I believe in the goodness of people and didn’t think that there was a ‘what did you call it?’ ‘catch’ involved. After all of my bad luck I thought that I might have just caught a break.

And what are you thinking now?

Floyd took a long sigh and stated,

Ain’t really got to even think about it now, because I know with certainty that coming out here with these crazy people was one of the stupidest things that I have ever made in my life; and as you well know, that is saying something. Let me explain to you what the past few days have been like.

First off, after I talked to you after Michelle Obama’s speech, hell, I know that it was Melania Trump on the stage, but it was Michelle Obama’s speech so that is what I’m going to call it. Anyway, after that, you remember I was packing my bag and getting ready to get out of here, it was then that I realized that they never gave me the ticket to return back home; it was then that I realized, I was a damn hostage.

I couldn’t help but start giggling at the thought of Floyd being a hostage to rich white folk.

But you know me; I was going to find some way to get the hell out of here. So I carried my bags down to our morning conference meeting intending to get my ticket and leave. It was then that an angry old white lady told me that if I didn’t stay and perform all assigned duties that they would cancel my ticket. And as I am certain you can imagine, I didn’t want these ‘good white folk’ to determine that Cleveland was my new home, because you know I ain’t got no money to pay for a flight home. So I figured, I better set my little bag down, shut the hell up, and do what they told me to do.

That is when things got strange. They took me into a back room that had four other African-Americans apparently waiting for my arrival, I only recognized two of them that Black girl from the Bert WilliamsApprentice and that cute Black girl from Fox News. Well they had apparently come up with an idea that we would have to get dressed up like Civil War soldiers and go up on the stage as a group called “Trump’s Black Brigade” and re-enact Lincoln freeing the slaves; we were expected to emphasize to Black America that Lincoln was indeed a Republican. Fortunately, those Civil War uniforms didn’t fit and they scrapped the idea; I was particularly happy about this because they were going to try and press my hair and make me look like Frederick Douglass.

However, their next idea was even worse. Since the idea of “Trump’s Black Brigade” had been scrapped, we were now ordered to run around the convention hall changing hats so when the camera panned across the audience it would look like it was more than four or five Black people in attendance. That is the reason I haven’t called you, I was exhausted from all of that running around.  

They told us that we could go anywhere on the floor of the arena, however, when Ted Cruz gave his speech we had to stand near Mrs. Cruz so when the camera focused in on her there was a little color around her, if you know what I mean.

It was during Cruz’s speech that things took a turn for the worse. As you know, after hearing Melania Trump’s plagiarized speech, I had little interest in anything that was being said. So I did not hear what caused this sea of white folk to begin chanting something that I couldn’t make out, I prayed that it wasn’t ‘kill Floyd’s Black ass’, however, I am certain that at several moments they were chanting ‘Lock Floyd up! Lock Floyd up!’. I damn near ran out of the convention hall.  

The next thing that I knew, they started booing Ted Cruz in the middle of his speech. It then dawned upon me that Cruz was on the stage protected by real security, consequently, these angry white folk couldn’t get at him. So they turned their attention to his wife who I just happened to be standing next to. Before I knew it security had whisked her through the angry mob, leaving me all alone surrounded by what appeared to be a lynch mob. Before I knew what was happening, someone done knocked ol’ Floyd’s hat off his head and they proceeded to kick my Black ass while saying things such as, “get that Black bastard”, “lynch his Black ass”, “Heil Hitler”. The only thing that saved me was a white gentleman grabbed my arm and pulled me out of the fracas.”

Pretty bad experience, hunh? I bet it will be quite some time before you take off on your next political adventure.”

Nothing could be further from the truth brother. The white gentleman who pulled me from the fracas was a representative of the Democratic Party and is providing me an all expenses paid trip to their event next week. So ol’ Floyd will once again be on the political scene. You know my motto, ‘If it’s free. It’s me.’

I couldn’t do anything other than shake my head at the proposition of Floyd placing himself in the exact same peril a week after escaping the RNC debacle. I guess that is why we call him ‘Foolish’ Floyd.

Dr. James Thomas Jones III

©Manhood, Race and Culture, 2016


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